Show me the funny

Much as I'd like to post something funny, tonight I just can't seem to find the funny anywhere. It must be hiding somewhere behind the alcohol bottles, obscured from view by the damage the content of said bottles can cause.

Now, despite what you may have read or heard on the news and in your local papers, I don't drink. At all. But I don't have a problem with people who do. Free world, I say. Enjoy.

However, when someone drinks most of the day everyday, I become... edgy. Especially if it's someone close to our family. And when said person tends to become violent and a complete idiot when sufficient amounts of alcohol is imbibed, I have a SERIOUS problem. Call me old-fashioned, but there it is.

Now, today, the reason for this problem I have with the seriously inebriated has surfaced yet again: quite plainly, they make life hell for the rest of us. Were said person to seek help, that would have been a different story all together... I of all people know that you can't just say "Quit drinking" to some people, just like you can't just say "Feel better" to me or anyone else suffering from depression. However, this person has had numerous opportunities to avail themselves to help, but chose not to. Help was even arranged for them, but this person just didn't want to do it.

Now we're sitting with the mess, and it's hurting our family and the people dear to me and I hate hate HATE it.

Ten Thoughts about Life... Sent by a friend.

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars (or rands, in South Africa) and a substantial tax cut saves you 3?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:


We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the United Kingdom, South Africa and America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the respective Departments of Agriculture in charge of immigration?

Survival Series: The Children's Birthday Party

In honour of not having anything to blog about (what can I say, my life is boring... you can only say so much about changing diapers), I've decided to embark upon a new and exiting series: The Survival Series. Detailing sanity-busting scenarios, and expert hints and tips on how to survive mentally and physically intact, this series is a must for everyone!

Today's Survival Scenario: The Children's Birthday Party.

So, Junior is having a birthday? Good luck. This is a situation that has sent many a parent over the brink and into that never-ending La-La land.

"But what is so horrible about a birthday party?" I hear you ask.

Imagine the scene: a clutch of [insert appropriate age] children running around, screaming and hyper from the sugar. There will always be at least one crying hysterically at any given time, and one other up to some ungodly mischief the moment you're not looking. Cake and sweets and various other party snacks gets trampled into everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING (including, amongst others: ears, carpets, hair, cats). All this is before the presents are opened and the kids begin fighting over the presents, and this is a best-case scenario. Worst-case scenarios include serious injuries, feuding parents and maybe even the police.

So what can you do to keep from going as crazy as Steve Irwin upon spotting a reptile? Here is my suggestions.

1.) ALWAYS ensure that no party is ever held at your place of residence.

Some parents prefer to use restaurants with a kiddy-friendly athmosphere, themeparks, or even petting zoos. All of these offer too much opportunity for mischief and mayhem, so we suggest the following venues for your consideration:

• A nightclub. Think about it: No kids allowed!
• Your in-laws' place: They'll be happy to help, and they get stuck with all the kids and the cake-infested carpets!
• The houses of various friends, families and enemies: See above.
  

2.) No matter the temptation, NEVER give the children any toys that can be used as a weapon.

Sadly, this includes most toys for kids over 2, so we suggest you play some time-honoured games like:

• Clean the kitchen: The aim of this game is to clean a kitchen completely. The first team to do this wins.
• Fetch the wine: In this game, each child is assigned to one adult to ensure the adult's glass never runs empty.
• Round the garden Treasure Hunt: Hunt for exiting things like the kitten that got lost months ago, and the socks that always seem to run away.

3.) If the children are loud, BE LOUDER.

4.) If there's no blood, it's not that bad.

5.) And finally, remember, no children's party is bearble without copious amounts of alcohol... for the parents, of course.

The Orcale has Spoken... but Tom Cruise was too busy to listen.

So, it turns out that Ms Holmes (soon to be Mrs Cruise) is pregnant after all. Will it be unforgivably mean of me to say that I hope she gets PND, just to see how her omnipotent husband-to-be will handle it? Probably, since she wasn't the one saying that people suffering from PND shouldn't use meds. Still, maybe we'll be lucky and the ever controversial Mr. Cruise will get it himself? It has been reported that loads of dads suffer from it, though it's rarely as severe in men as in women.

*sigh* Life just isn't fair, is it?

And in case you've been wondering, my life this past week was just too busy to post. Busy with what, you ask? Why, catching up on some sleep, of course! Princess Logan has finally started to sleep twice during the day, saving her mother from total insanity and weepy, chocolate induced confessions of inadequacy the after-effects of too little sleep.

I am just not one of those people who can function without a solid chunk of sleep to back me up. Call me a weak sissy-girl, but I need my back guarded by enough sleep!

Anycase, I visited the Great and Almighty Underwear Oracle today, and it spake onto me:

What Your Underwear Says About You

You tend to buy new underwear instead of doing laundry. You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.

The Underwear Oracle

Well, there you have it folks. Mr Cruise, eat your heart out.