Survival Series: The Children's Birthday Party

In honour of not having anything to blog about (what can I say, my life is boring... you can only say so much about changing diapers), I've decided to embark upon a new and exiting series: The Survival Series. Detailing sanity-busting scenarios, and expert hints and tips on how to survive mentally and physically intact, this series is a must for everyone!

Today's Survival Scenario: The Children's Birthday Party.

So, Junior is having a birthday? Good luck. This is a situation that has sent many a parent over the brink and into that never-ending La-La land.

"But what is so horrible about a birthday party?" I hear you ask.

Imagine the scene: a clutch of [insert appropriate age] children running around, screaming and hyper from the sugar. There will always be at least one crying hysterically at any given time, and one other up to some ungodly mischief the moment you're not looking. Cake and sweets and various other party snacks gets trampled into everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING (including, amongst others: ears, carpets, hair, cats). All this is before the presents are opened and the kids begin fighting over the presents, and this is a best-case scenario. Worst-case scenarios include serious injuries, feuding parents and maybe even the police.

So what can you do to keep from going as crazy as Steve Irwin upon spotting a reptile? Here is my suggestions.

1.) ALWAYS ensure that no party is ever held at your place of residence.

Some parents prefer to use restaurants with a kiddy-friendly athmosphere, themeparks, or even petting zoos. All of these offer too much opportunity for mischief and mayhem, so we suggest the following venues for your consideration:

• A nightclub. Think about it: No kids allowed!
• Your in-laws' place: They'll be happy to help, and they get stuck with all the kids and the cake-infested carpets!
• The houses of various friends, families and enemies: See above.
  

2.) No matter the temptation, NEVER give the children any toys that can be used as a weapon.

Sadly, this includes most toys for kids over 2, so we suggest you play some time-honoured games like:

• Clean the kitchen: The aim of this game is to clean a kitchen completely. The first team to do this wins.
• Fetch the wine: In this game, each child is assigned to one adult to ensure the adult's glass never runs empty.
• Round the garden Treasure Hunt: Hunt for exiting things like the kitten that got lost months ago, and the socks that always seem to run away.

3.) If the children are loud, BE LOUDER.

4.) If there's no blood, it's not that bad.

5.) And finally, remember, no children's party is bearble without copious amounts of alcohol... for the parents, of course.